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outside

With the changing weather, the hip aches and the leg gives out in unexpected bursts. Holidays approach and I think of dad

often.

It sneaks up on me in the way I groan in the morning. Geez, just vacuuming the house — because that was his thing. Sometimes it is okay, but more often I am sad

still.

i chock this up to hormones, and weather, and a creaky body, and memory. It’s all jumbled there. The ability to take on others’ anything is not there. So I flee at the end of the day. I hug my boys and hide with a book. Turn off the phone. Turn off the internet. Focus limited to what is contained I can touch in meat space.

I was like this when I was in high school. Maybe this is my nature and I have just returned to my core.

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The view is really swell

Basics: fed and watered. The sun shines.

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I can feel the bobbing of this uncertain sea. When I come to the surface, I breathe in and if – if – I can stay on the surface a while, I remember I am breathing and isn’t it pleasant to have the sun on my face and how cool is it not to be drowning?

I have been more me this last month than I have been this last year. In hindsight, it was a bad year for being. I will admit to wondering whether or not living is a worthwhile thing, it seems so much work at times.

I did not contemplate suicide. Just in case you wondered. Just in case some future me wonders how bad it had been?

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But back to basics: I am fed and watered. The sun is shining.

And today I am myself.

What does that mean? It means life is worth living. It means I am thankful for what I have. That there is clutter and that is okay. There is a normalcy that is a comfort. That I would be pleased if not merely acquiescent to have a visitor. (Not normal is feeling angry that some “other” is invading my space).

It means the slings and arrows are manageable.

Well, Kim is on her way and I need to pick up a bit. Just thought I’d check in.

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should write should write should write

Summer does not mean free time and a break from work. Professors still have things to do. It’s just unstructured…not really the best environment for me. There’s that thing-I-have-to-do and the-shiny-thing-I-wanted-to-do and the-house-that-is-chaos.

But the paper is done. I just haven’t hit “send”. Leaving it until I forget the sentences so I can see it with unclouded eyes.

With that done and after investigating where else I may submit it, I will wholly devote myself to doing the kind of “scholarship” that is in keeping with my nature…that is, animations, and drawings, and models, and sculpture, and painting, and drawing and drawing and drawing…oh, and writing.

Words:

  • 6/13 groggy, aimless, in-serious-need-of-coffee
  • 6/11 grounded, cheery, motherly
  • 6/10 forgetful, okay, task oriented
  • 6/9 pensive, absent minded, flailing
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my prince will not come

The protagonist is the one from whose perspective we get the story.

Just came back from Maleficent. Eye candy and a layered retelling of Sleeping Beauty.

Someone I knew murdered his wife. He strangled her. It was one of those, “He seemed like such a nice guy” kind of stories. T said it takes a lot of anger to do that. I said, “He is terribly broken to have done something like that.”

This was no excuse; just an acknowledgement that one had to have been some other place and taken a variety of paths to end at this moment; this time; this place.

Disney’s “Sleeping Beauty” begins with Maleficent’s curse. “Maleficent” is about what brought her to that point, and fills what happens in the after. No easy love-at-first-sight; no kiss-from-a-stranger solves all.

There seems to be a trend of reimagining old stories and making them less tidy, more layered…more interesting. Perhaps, despite all the fantasy, more real.

monkeys

nobody here but us primates

Beatrice, a capuchin, says, “You are insignificant.”

Beatrice says, “No one cares about you.”

Beatrice says, “They expect nothing from you, why bother at all.”

Beatrice is pissing me off. Adder, the lemur, thinks this is just fine. She rejoices in rage. She whispers, “Anger is powerful. Fuck that simpering bitch. Stoke that fire. Let’s get it on.”

I’d rather that they both shut up and let me sleep instead of replaying the days’ minutiae from one point of view and the other in repeating loops of increasing exaggeration until I don’t even know what happened.

tick tick tick

If I go to sleep …n o w…I can still get five hours.

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