absence makes

Absence makes the heart grow fonder

or forgetful. -Peter Pan

Most people know the beginning part of that phrase, not so much the second addition. I looked it up. That was Barrie’s take on the phrase.

 

P said he loved me and he left. So saying the thing doesn’t really matter when at the end of the day they’re gone. He felt bad about it but wanted to maintain our friendship. I was important to him. That was a clusterfuck. I heard the love, but he didn’t want me. Love is deaf in addition to being blind.

I forgot about that. That whole bit was buried and forgotten and he was dead to me. I don’t even remember why we were together or what was good about us because I burned it all. Forced absence, intentionally forgetful.

After a point, ache is replaced (somewhat) with “out of sight: out of mind.”

It works.

Present day…Sometimes I feel badly that I’m doing okay, because C looks like he is barely hanging on. And I worry about him. But I can offer no help. He says there are things he needs to sort out and I thought that meant me at one time. He wants to maintain our friendship. I am important to him. I can see him missing me. I miss him too. But I am listening this time. The words “I love you” don’t contradict “a small part of me wants to get back together”. I will not ignore that means the larger part doesn’t. That’s the part that should get the greater part of my memory, when I do remember…when I am not actively forgetful. It’s a plan.

Forget me. When you do, you won’t miss me and there will be no small part of regret. You can be whole.

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