blog.jpg
O

You got me going in circles
Spinning around
and around
and around…

It’s an on-going motif this circle thing, up and down and around.

I need ya baby
Strung out over you…

Back and forth between wanting to need someone, adamant that I don’t - realizing I do. This need doesn’t have to be answered by one person, but it seems more diffuse, less concentrated, less intense and focused.

But the birds are singing, and it’ll warm up again. It keeps going ‘round.

Audio version here.

Posted 04/26/2009
Permalink•
Say ya no worry

...about a thing.

Posted 04/25/2009
Permalink•
SPIN

Spin
Uploaded by Fredy_K
Posted 04/24/2009
Permalink•
faux fifteen minutes

photofunia

photofunia

PhotoFunia-586dc

-courtesy of Chris Perillo’s photo funia.

Posted 04/22/2009
Permalink•
making memory

It started when we lived in L.A. Times are fuzzy in my head, but it was the time of me and Elice and not yet Elaine. Dad was stationed at Johnston Island. I’m not sure how that worked, because I both remember him being there and not there, and I don’t have a real sense of in what proportion the there and not there was. I do know it was before Elice and I had morphed into strangers. Kids are easy that way. Teenage girls are different beasts.

There are a few clear memories though: seeing the regular moving stripes of overhead street lights on prone legs in the back of the station wagon after the weekly mahjong marathons; methodically worked through the numbered Nancy Drew (and then Hardy Boys) mysteries. It was the mystery of the tiny filipina and the 50’s flipped bobbed blonde in a crew neck sweater, pencil skirt and saddle shoes. The apartment was small enough that I could chimney my way down the hallway whenever the floor turned into lava.

And there was bowling.

It felt like it was a weekly ritual, but that must have been wrong because that was the time of there and not there. But it was definitely a time of me and Elice and dad (and not yet Elaine).

We’d go bowling on base. It was cheap. Dad says 25 cents a game. It was fun. Later it became all of us, but in my head it still is a me, Elice and dad thing. Later it was after church. But can that be right? Weren’t we still dressed in church clothes? Greasy fries and burgers and oily bowling balls. Elice laughed whenever she heard “Elaine for Bob” or whatever name was being called. It was all in her head. Still funny. Elice also thought “Dead End” meant there was a cemetery down that road.

So I went bowling for Badger’s birthday and the kids came along. Connor wanted a repeat of Badger’s birthday party, and we did (including Badger). Went again after a date that was done by 9pm on a Friday night and hell-no-am-I-gonna-stay-at-home-alone-on-a-Friday-night-again. Called up Matt. Called up Steve (who invited Jeremy). We cosmic bowled and hit Denny’s and ended up singing Bohemian Rhapsody in the car on the way home at 3 in the morning and there was yet another successful happy memory.

I bought a ball. The type is a Tantrum.

I get to throw a tantrum!

This amuses me to no end.

Yesterday, the boys and I got burgers and fries (okay I got a salad and soup) not at the bowling alley. Then we hit bowl-a-roll. They rode that rollercoaster of good and bad throws. Aidan wanted to leave after the first game, but was glad he stayed by the time he’d gotten his two strikes in a row. They ended up playing with the kids in the next lane.

More memory.

I’d like Sundays to be me, Aidan, Connor and Gabriel and tossing balls.

Posted 04/20/2009
Permalink•
treading water

What I lost wasn’t a boyfriend, what I lost was my best friend. He was my best friend for the past 5 years.

What I need to replace is the one who I’d check in with each day, and share what was going on. I need to replace that reliable source of cheer and support. What I need is to not question that I am okay. So much of what I relied on was him telling me that I was better than okay because he knew when I didn’t feel that way. That very foundation of my every day is gone. And I am often not okay.

There are different needs and they need to be reallocated. It’s a whole other aspect I had been ignoring and that would have been the best remedy for my moments of despair. “Just friends” is no small thing. Sometimes it is the best thing.

Posted 04/16/2009
Permalink•
worth remembering

from Sally-

No matter what has happened in the recent past that has created clouds in your soul, please remember that you are a beautiful, vibrant, loving, stupendous, magnificent, glorious, superb, splendid, superlative being and you will overcome the obstacles that cause you to momentarily falter and forget who you really are.

Posted 04/09/2009
Permalink•
did you know?

Did You Know? from Maurilio Amorim on Vimeo.
Posted 04/06/2009
Permalink•
Must love dogs

I’ve been neglecting this space. I found another place to vent my troubles and that’s good. It makes my mom worry less. I do know that I have three wonderful sons who love me. I do know that I have friends who care about and for me. It doesn’t stop the head monkeys or the questions.

That won’t stop me from being Diane Lane in “Must Love Dogs” and “Under the Tuscan Sun”.

And, yes, I think a dorky kind of John Cusack would be fine.

Posted 04/05/2009
Permalink•
inside

The real stuff is hidden under denim and a well worn sweater. It is above the feet curled underneath. It is behind the smudged bifocals and the habit of pushing them onto the bridge of a nose. If I am lucky it comes out when no one is looking. I’m not even certain what it is.

Posted 04/01/2009
Permalink•
Page 1 of 1 pages