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with feathers, flying solo

“Let’s just do it, and my feelings will catch up.”

A pretty inauspicious way to begin a marriage.  And, they didn’t. What I thought was a fear of committment, of being just plain flaky turned out to be just what it was - and all of the wishes that it be something more couldn’t make it so.

Standing in the secret garden of the conservatory, watching the ceremony, I review my choices. They are so in love.

To marry is a hopeful thing.

I was afraid of what I’d feel when i got there. But when I got there, to my surprise, what I found was the absence of regret. I had hoped and tried and loved - but not enough. Or, not the kind that I want stretching before me to sustain my waking days.

Vignettes. All these people with their different loves and times in life. Jo expecting another. Ai and Ter still in the honeymoon. M, who is playing the field, and will later prove to be both charming and a dick. Jesslyn digs the Neruda sonnet. John takes the picture. Click. We are standing in a kodak moment.

Jim sits on the edge of the reflecting pool holding our sleeping child. I think, Gabriel was meant to be. As were Connor and Aidan. I know there is love between us enough to make them trust that there will be enough for them in their futures.

I hope there will be a love for each of us.

Posted 06/03/2004
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