2011-11-24 21.33.08

What to say?

I made longanisa the other day and found myself singing

Longanisa…Longanisa…men have named you…(to the tune of Mona Lisa)

And I remember dad singing that. He loved Nat King Cole. And it wasn’t sad — a happy memory. Thanks, dad.

Wrapping my head around aging and mortality. Meanwhile, Jordan is 9 months old today. Beau and Emily; Andy and Kimberly are expecting babies any day now. Jake and Rissa have a mini-Jake.

Circle of life, babe.



With the changing weather, the hip aches and the leg gives out in unexpected bursts. Holidays approach and I think of dad


It sneaks up on me in the way I groan in the morning. Geez, just vacuuming the house — because that was his thing. Sometimes it is okay, but more often I am sad


i chock this up to hormones, and weather, and a creaky body, and memory. It’s all jumbled there. The ability to take on others’ anything is not there. So I flee at the end of the day. I hug my boys and hide with a book. Turn off the phone. Turn off the internet. Focus limited to what is contained I can touch in meat space.

I was like this when I was in high school. Maybe this is my nature and I have just returned to my core.

2014-08-08 19.46.04

The view is really swell

Basics: fed and watered. The sun shines.

2014-08-10 10.54.10

I can feel the bobbing of this uncertain sea. When I come to the surface, I breathe in and if – if – I can stay on the surface a while, I remember I am breathing and isn’t it pleasant to have the sun on my face and how cool is it not to be drowning?

I have been more me this last month than I have been this last year. In hindsight, it was a bad year for being. I will admit to wondering whether or not living is a worthwhile thing, it seems so much work at times.

I did not contemplate suicide. Just in case you wondered. Just in case some future me wonders how bad it had been?

2014-08-10 10.53.49

But back to basics: I am fed and watered. The sun is shining.

And today I am myself.

What does that mean? It means life is worth living. It means I am thankful for what I have. That there is clutter and that is okay. There is a normalcy that is a comfort. That I would be pleased if not merely acquiescent to have a visitor. (Not normal is feeling angry that some “other” is invading my space).

It means the slings and arrows are manageable.

Well, Kim is on her way and I need to pick up a bit. Just thought I’d check in.

2014-08-08 19.43.12


should write should write should write

Summer does not mean free time and a break from work. Professors still have things to do. It’s just unstructured…not really the best environment for me. There’s that thing-I-have-to-do and the-shiny-thing-I-wanted-to-do and the-house-that-is-chaos.

But the paper is done. I just haven’t hit “send”. Leaving it until I forget the sentences so I can see it with unclouded eyes.

With that done and after investigating where else I may submit it, I will wholly devote myself to doing the kind of “scholarship” that is in keeping with my nature…that is, animations, and drawings, and models, and sculpture, and painting, and drawing and drawing and drawing…oh, and writing.


  • 6/13 groggy, aimless, in-serious-need-of-coffee
  • 6/11 grounded, cheery, motherly
  • 6/10 forgetful, okay, task oriented
  • 6/9 pensive, absent minded, flailing

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