Sorry I was a disappointment. I loved my dad, but I don’t think we were ever really at ease with one another. Maybe it was just me. I never got the feeling he really approved of where I lived or how things ended with me and Jim. I look at my own kids and it’s easier to be connected with one over another. We are still personalities after all, and …
It was a mistake to go o the attic. I had mistaken the quiet for…what? resolution? That maybe they were gone? Freddie is chittering, “titties! boobs!” Stupid little thing. We’re okay. He wings overhead as I hit the top of the stairs. I track him as he goes round three times and closes the door to the birdcage where he sleeps. Guess he just wanted me to know he was …
Today, I am me. That would be the first image with the green wall. Today’s words: me, relieved, alive. Yesterday and the days preceding I would have said “This is the year that I became my age.” This wasn’t a thing until recently, but mortality and all that is knocking hard.
Words: tired, okay, myself
Words: content, centered, breathing This would be the self I recognize – generally chill, imperturbable, at ease. Whew. I now understand temporary insanity and will try to be better at empathizing. In the meantime, happy to be. It means that this person is still there and she’ll be back.
Menopause Just sayin’
Today: myself, contained, reclaiming Yesterday: mercurial, breathing, reaching Friday: tearful, mercurial, down Ragged breathing. Tears streaming. Stupid stupid stupid. And then like some passing storm, there’s this woman I know just for a bit. It’s tiring being on this roller coaster. Today was pretty good. Bought a dyson and have been reclaiming the house. The house had gone to hell. Kim was going to drop off Jordan for me to …
Up and down In and out High and low I’m a Pink song. When that pocket of contentment, that sunshiny bit burbles from the never never, I gather it, tromp in a circle three times and curl into a ball and stay there trying not to disrupt that precious bit of alrightness.
Words: ambushed, nostalgic, mercurial It was good until the rains came. But that’s just the body. Silly body. There was no Spring. It was cold, and now it is hot. Heat rises. It is something one notes in an attic bedroom. Refusing air conditioning. Seems like a trick when the heat was a necessity a scant few days ago. Besides, it’s comforting to hear the sound of rain and …
Jim was gone for a week and I had the boys. After four days of a rushed frenetic morning panic and getting everyone everywhere just-in-time, “Fuck this shit.” Shocked. I say into the silence, hands clenching the steering wheel consciously driving the speed limit while glancing at the dashboard clock every 10 seconds, “Tomorrow YOU get yourselves up, YOU make your breakfast, and I am leaving the house at 7:15. …
