a difference a day makes

Jim was gone for a week and I had the boys. After four days of a rushed frenetic morning panic and getting everyone everywhere just-in-time, “Fuck this shit.”

Shocked. I say into the silence, hands clenching the steering wheel consciously driving the speed limit while glancing at the dashboard clock every 10 seconds, “Tomorrow YOU get yourselves up, YOU make your breakfast, and I am leaving the house at 7:15. If you’re not ready, you’re being left behind. Fuck. This.”

I don’t swear around my kids. I don’t swear much at all. I stop the car, “Get out.” No Goodbye-have-a-nice-day-I-love-you this day. I admit I screamed in rage the rest of the way to work. I had two minutes to cry in the parking lot. Totally. Unrecognizable. Who is this woman?

Friday, the boys awakened themselves. They made their own breakfasts. They packed their own lunches. They were ready. We had forgiven one another…I think. Jim returned late Friday night, but I kept the boys one more night. After I dropped them off with their dad on Saturday there was blessed s i l e n c e.

The rest of the weekend there was a speaking to no one but the dog and the cats. No social media.

And I sat.

And I made myself a meal or five. And tea. Lots of tea.

Slowly, the reserves recharge. Bits of soul expended regrow.

I’ve been seeing someone. Well, not lately. The general withdrawl from others has included him, and I keep giving him permission to leave. Not that he needs it, but this cannot be easy and I feel badly at the hurt I know I must be causing. Tona says this insanity is temporary. For her it was a year and half of insanity. She had to remind herself that this person was not her. Sometimes I remember. Sometimes I recognize the woman that is underneath.

Music. And the sun is out. Get it and feel good.

“…whatever good there is to get
get it & feel good/ get it & feel good
snatch it & feel good
grab it & feel good
steal it & feel good
borrow it & feel good
reach it & feel good
you cd
oh yeah
& feel good.”

Ntozake Shange (get it & feel good)

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