shield
Never underestimate the comfort and protective shield of a blanket.
Category: reflection
External memory
It’s been a perfect weekend of beautiful weather and not talking to anyone. Thought about how very different my friend, Liz and I are. For her, thoughts aren’t quite real until they come out of her mouth. Experiences aren’t quite real unless shared. So different than this tangible grounding of uninterrupted solitary wandering that went as far as imagination and all within the confines of my (now tidy) home. There …
about time
Put the cane down. That isn’t a metaphor. I just put it down. Thought experiment…what if this really is the new normal? This constant low grade pain with occasional flares of what-the-fuck? Add this to the year of lessons in mortality. Little deaths. My body is not what it was. It’s degrading. And that’s what happens with age. Old isn’t bad. Yeah. I’m fifty and that is a number and big whoop. …
chirp
Some insignificant word as proof of existence leaked into the ether.
baseline
Emotional and physical reserves dwindle, and as they do, the locus of focus shrinks and shifts to an almost pinpoint. What makes you happy? What is important? What do you need to get by? The list is very short. There is solace and comfort in doing what it takes for that one list: have the next meal, make sure the boys know I love them, maybe tell a few people …
enough
Breathing. Walking. Freedom from pain and a some food. Weak sunshine on a cool day. There really isn’t much to ask of life sometimes.
It’s just a tiny thing
White. Round. Respect for chemistry and what it does. Man. This tiny pill is some cortisone anti inflammatory juggernaut that killed the pain and allowed me to walk. It also makes the rest of me feel numb. It’s weird. I think I’d rather feel than feel like this. But it’s been a few days of being able to walk without wincing. I now understand why I’m only on it for …
First again
I’m manually entering in all my old posts and comments. It’s not so bad to read what was. Makes me appreciate words. Not just mine, but the words of all those who visited. The first blog post, entitled “So This is It” has tidbits from a recurring cast of characters. Wonder where Francois is and how he is doing?
where it’s at
Saw the neurologist. Staying the course. He has no idea why I am retaining water and my boobs might go up a size or two in a day. (I swear it’s like I am nursing). But I am also having hot flashes and this could be noise related to perimenopause. Anyway, he said that particular thing is not him. The left leg hypersensitivity (interpretation of light touch as pain, tingling, …
a return to
What exactly is normal? I forget. I’ve always forgotten, but this is a different kind. Every two hours or so, I hit a wall of tired and zone out. If I make it through, it hits again. Each time is a fresh wave. At each one, it’d be so easy to just lie down. I am spending longer stretches of time awake. If I do not rest, it accumulates to …