ENTRY # 76 “You should stand up for yourself.” Thats what Kamel said a while ago. It was in the context of me being around strong personalities, and I think, ultimately, he was concerned that people would take advantage of me. “Thatd be a big change. HUGE.” At the time, I thought he was wrong. That I am strong in my own way. I have few confrontations. Rarely have fights. I am coming to a realization that hes right. But not for the reasons he thought. Scenario: Someone disagrees with you.
On one extreme – the gut reaction of, how-dare-you-question-me, is ego to the nth. I had posited to Brendyn that all conflicts originate from self-centeredness, ego, and honor. Like its a bad thing. Other extreme- ego to the nil. The zen zero says you are a nothing. Your opinion is not important, or more important than any other. But the opinions may coexist. Me. I pretend to believe the latter. I align my expectations thus. Fine- you believe that. Thats okay. I will quietly believe my own thing, and not feel compelled to sway you.
This strategy has been fine in terms of an avoidance of conflict. But you know what, its no good with people close. Kamel was right, but the reason is this…with each acquiescence, I care less for the person with whom I disagree. Not hate, nor anger, just a non-feeling. If there is no concern for the person, they have no power to hurt. Thats fine in the office, with people who are not friends, nor will ever be. Where civility is paramount, and emotions counter productive, this way of life is perfect. With friends, lovers, its death…a slow one. With the one, I should have cared about most of all, Ive become thick and calloused. And it would have been better to fight, but we didnt – dont know how. The danger is so much less, maybe impossible with my friends who wear their emotions in their mouths. They wont let me be quiet, when they can see the importance on my face. Liz has learned to leave me alone during the sensitive part, and with her, Ill talk when the coast is clear. (Otherwise, catlike, I swipe). It has to be after the main wave of emotion is past, because she empathizes and that just amplifies the feeling. There will be time to feel…later. Kamel and Tona, bless them, will simply say, “Bullshit.” Okay, Tona will say, “Bullshit.” Kamel prods without swearing, he can be prudish in his own fashion. But, he too, is relentless. But from them its okay because its almost a business transaction. We discuss the verbs, not the feeling. So not one way, but two! to escape the trap of no feeling. But none is my doing. These three friends dont let me weasel out of it when it matters. They make me, cajole me, to speak my mind and heart, making me be vulnerable. So very uncomfortable.
Liz, firstname.lastname@example.org, http://www.it.rit.edu/~ell/mamamusings/, , 184.108.40.206, 1059514100, 2004-05-16 20:41:18, Vulnerability is underrated. 🙂
Elouise, email@example.com, 220.127.116.11, 1059521487, 2004-05-16 20:41:18, lol After years of being miserly with it, really hard to spend.
Brendyn, firstname.lastname@example.org, http://soblog.thatbigdog.com, , 18.104.22.168, 1059572583, 2004-05-16 20:41:18, Im scared to be vulnerable, but Im the type that prods my friends into telling me how they feel. Sometimes, they dont like it that much. Id prod you, elouise, but I fear youd snap me in two with your buff bod.
Elouise, email@example.com, 22.214.171.124, 1059575154, 2004-05-16 20:41:18, The people allowed to prod me are very few in number, and even then its a risky proposition. Thats true of everyone. Theres the crunchy candy layer, then lots more before the gushy innards. Access to the sweet spot, and striking distance of the heart takes a long time. And yes, I could snap you in two.But I wont.
nain, firstname.lastname@example.org, 126.96.36.199, 1059590036, 2004-05-16 20:41:18, ah, as ever, we strive to use our powers for good instead of evil. if ever we were to join forces, wed be invincible. or wed believe it to be true, and perhaps that would make it so. what shall we call our underground lair? or shall it be a legion of something….
Elouise, email@example.com, 188.8.131.52, 1059592215, 2004-05-16 20:41:18, legion of da doo doo doomlegion of extraordinary e-womenfilipinas rock! (whoo hoo) <–the battle crydont mess with oyzon women <–alternate battle cryspooon! <–yet another alternative cry Well work on it, along with the secret handshake