ENTRY # 29 Its relative- how good you got it, how much in love you are, whether or not you want to embrace someone or spit on them.

So one base line is – “I love my children.”

That doesnt stop me from wanting to smack them on occassion, nor feeling the other extreme that seems beyond such a limited expression. The awe at the creation of their being alive and unbelieving that you actually get to share their lives with them. I can remember what it was like without them. And life then, was also good- not so complex, not so rich…though I clearly remember waking up whenever, making myself coffee, reading quietly and relishing the luxury of being alone. (I consciously took a mental snapshot of a morning, knowing that this simple thing should not be taken for granted. September, 1983, my very own studio apartment, grey Rochester morning, Eastman School student practicing cello down the hall…) So different than sitting here as Gabriel hoists himself upon my lap, pushes my typing hands away, rearranges my arms until he nestles in the hollow of my crossed legs with a shit eating adoring grin. (I am both diminished and more than I was a moment ago). Its the contrast between the two that makes meaning.

The past is a background for the present. Taking stock of past lovers makes me aware of whats good and bad about what is now. Background, foreground, context. Ditto jobs, ditto friendships, ditto places Ive lived. Even if the contrast is just between midnight and the morning. Some lines run through it all, and they sound sweet or somber depending on the notes. I would be an alto sax. Sing solo. Soar off improvising my own melodies. Frenetic free style til I tire of my own company. I need the bass line to keep me grounded, give me a place to return to; stop me from self indulgent excesses. I like jazz, the melody against minors and sharps. I like Nina Simone and Bonnie Raitt. I like that you can hear all the experience theyve had in their inflection. The whiskey, the cigarettes, the pain, the bass line underneath, and this beautiful voice carrying it all.


fivecats,,, ,, 1057156096, 2004-05-16 20:41:17, Great writing, great insights. The best of what blogs can be, IMHO. …

Francois Lachance,,, ,, 1084659935, 2004-05-16 20:41:17, Baseline contrasts. A decade beyond. Baseline = entries; comments = departures heading off on a tangent and returns to focuss in on point, position, passion. To take hold contrast seems to require time and space and is akin to the winnowing that is like fishing… a decade beyond. See entry for March 11, 2004 Another beat in the baseline.

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